I Went to Paradise and Still Couldn't Find Myself There
I went from flying home today, landing in tomorrow, just to arrive in yesterday.
I recently spent ten days in Bali, and I feel compelled to share my honest experience because isn’t seen through the photos I’ve captured.
On the surface, it appeared to fulfill every wish a weary healer might have. The Goddess Retreat in Ubud, Bali resort provided wholesome Indonesian cuisine and fresh juices each morning, unlimited massages (which I truly enjoyed), and I spent the week with aligned women for a week, what could be so bad? This was my sister’s trip that I decided to hop on earlier this year. Initially believing that I had nothing to heal from well…. That was the greatest deception I faced this year… Did I heal? Was I revitalized? Well…
Initially, I didn’t feel rejuvenated. Anxiety kept me away from the present moment even in beautiful spaces which I hated. I struggled to be present when I was in a place of relaxation. While lying on a massage table or sitting with a group of joyful women, a part of me would drift away, scanning, planning, and bracing for an overarching concern. Although I was physically in paradise, emotionally I felt detached, observing my own experience rather than truly engaging with it.
If you’ve ever gone on a vacation, scheduled a retreat, or finally allowed yourself some rest only to feel an unsettling disconnect, you’re not alone. As both a clinician and a woman who experienced this halfway across the globe, I understand. Places are avenues for escape and although I was not going on vacation to escape, I was hoping that anxiety would be less present. This time it showed up in a way that was foreign. It didn’t look the same. No tightness in my chest, no struggling to fall asleep, not even racing thoughts per se. This time anxiety looked like fear of the unknown, or something that had nothing to do with my present moment. It felt like I was outside of my body looking at my experience from third person… also known as depersonalization, this was new for me.
The moment I felt the water's touch
Praying in the water with my chana offering.
One morning, our group participated in a Holy Water Purification Ritual, called Melukat in Bali. I don’t remember the one that I went to but you’re see what I mean in the photos below. We all dressed in traditional Balinese garments before we moved through the water, stepping from one spout to the next as each stream cascaded over us. We prayed with a Hindu priest at the end of the ceremony outside of the water pool area.
Although I don't subject myself to religious practices and never have, I have an appreciation for rituals that touch my soul, and this one resonated deeply. The chill of the water, the rhythmic nature of the experience, and the steady presence of the priest broke through the part of me that was always observing and planning. For the first time during that trip, I was not merely an onlooker in my life; I was immersed in the experience, soaked, barefoot, and entirely present.
Joy followed closely behind that sense of presence, lingering into the next interesting moment which was far less sacred. A group from the resort decided to sample Luwak coffee, humorously known as “poopy coffee”, because it’s exactly what it sounds like. I watched women who had just emerged from holy water scrunch their faces, laugh, sip, and erupt in laughter once more, and it felt good to be present with that too. Honestly, it wasn’t bad. It didn’t have a hint of poopy to it and I was fully present.
Luwak, the maker of the Luwak Coffee.
As evidenced by 😁
Coffee sampler. All were very yummy!
This is a lesson about rituals that I keep rediscovering. It doesn't just open the door to the sacred but also invites you to embrace your entire life, including the absurd, human, and poopy coffee moments.
The Obstruction
Yet, one beautiful morning doesn’t erase a pattern, and by the following day, the feeling of disconnection returned. So, I attended an already planned Theta Healing session and posed a straightforward question: what is preventing me from achieving success? Theta Healing is a form of hypnotherapy that directs an experiencer to the theta part of consciousness to speak to the subconscious. It was really intriguing.
The response was both surprising and unsurprising. What emerged was a belief that I held a responsibility to heal others, specifically through mediumship. It wasn’t a calling but rather an obligation, one that I had carried for so long that it began to feel like part of my identity rather than a burden.
Reflecting on that, it became clear why I struggled to experience true rest. You can't completely relax on a massage table when part of you believes it’s your duty to bear the world's grief. You can't engage with a table of laughing women when part of you is worried that you’ll give the wrong message in a mediumship session and cause harm to someone. The anxiety wasn’t arbitrary; it was the nervous system of a woman who had taken on more responsibility than any one person should.
So, I let it go. I didn’t part with the gift or the love I have for this work, only the belief that I owe it to everyone and that my self-worth hinges on how much healing I carry, requiring me to earn my status through carrying it all. Oh the lies we tell ourselves.
What came to me after releasing that burden
Here’s the part that still brings a smile to my face. Shortly after that session, someone contacted me to collaborate on a mediumship group demonstration. I’m excited about it, and I’ll share details as soon as I can, but what moved me the most was the timing. This invitation arrived immediately after I ceased to view mediumship as a debt and started embracing it as the gift it was always meant to be. Mediumship is something I share willingly, not out of fear of the consequences if I don’t.
Returning home, honestly
I wish I could say I returned home feeling transformed, but the reality is that the transition back has been challenging. Jet lag hit me hard, and some anxiety accompanied me, primarily around the next steps in my career and what this new phase requires of me.
The difference is that I now recognize it. When anxiety arises, I can determine whether it stems from my calling or from that old belief that everything is my responsibility, and more often than not, it’s the latter trying to re-enter. Nope, not going to hold that shit anymore. I am no longer obliged to follow it. I can ground myself, recall the sensation of cold water on my face, remember the laughter over poopy coffee, and choose to move forward motivated by desire rather than obligation.
For me, this is the happy ending….not a trip that resolved all my issues but one that highlighted what I had been carrying, allowing me to finally release it and return to my life feeling somewhat lighter.
If your experience resonates with this
Self-care is wonderful, but it can’t address a belief it remains unaware of, which is why many women engage in all the right practices yet still feel disconnected. The Psychospiritual Grief Method was created to address precisely this. It’s where the nervous system, Spirit, and inherited or absorbed beliefs can work together collaborating to enable healing to reach those areas of beliefs to relinquish their power and along transformation to begin.
If you're prepared to confront what may be quietly hindering you, here are four options to embark on this journey with me.
1. 📞Schedule a consultation call. If you’re burdened by grief, anxiety, or a sense of responsibility that feels increasingly heavy, let's discuss potential support options for you.
2. 🎓 Participate in the Psychospiritual Grief Method training. For clinicians, my 6-CEU training, The Psychospiritual Grief Method: Grief, Disenfranchised Loss, and Culturally Centered Care for BIPOC Clients, launches on October 17 and teaches how to integrate spirit, culture, and the body into grief care while maintaining your clinical foundation.
3. 🍂 Join the waitlist for The Elements of Grief Course. My self-paced course, centered around Earth, Water, Air, Fire, and Spirit, will be launching soon, and the waitlist opens this Monday.
4. 🌿Join the Grief Sanctuary to gain access to weekly rituals, meditations, or journal prompts to help you through your grieving season. I plan on hosting a training for rituals in my next training in the membership. Hope to see you there.
Whatever you might be carrying at this moment, I hope you discover the ritual, moment, or individual that helps you acknowledge it, and may you grant yourself the freedom to release what was never meant for you to bear.
With care and intention,
Amber Choisella
